Job hunting is so stressful. I graduate in May and I’ll be broke by July if I don’t find something soon.
I think about you far more than I should. We were nothing, or we were supposed to be nothing. I wasn’t supposed to feel anything for you. Lust; that was all that was to occur. But there was something more there, for me at least. For you too, as far as anyone could tell. Moments we spent together were forever happy. A smile was immediately plastered on my face the moment I saw you, no matter how upset or confused you made me just hours before. We don’t talk now, as I had said we wouldn’t. We’re no longer friends and
I try to be okay with that. I have no idea of your reasoning behind shutting me out of your life, so I’m left with only speculation. I think too much already so this is really all I think about every night before I go to sleep. I did nothing to deserve this. I never did anything to provoke the mind games that plagued our “relationship.” I’ve come to the conclusion that you’re just afraid, and taking the easy way out. But that hardly seems like you, and you said yourself I know you too well. Let’s face it, we both prefer a relationship that’s simple, we don’t have to do anything, don’t have to work at it, just sit there and enjoy the ride. We would be messy, and already have experienced just how dysfunctional we are together. You want a somewhat simple minded girl who does anything you tell her, and quite frankly: kisses your ass on a daily basis. I will never be that girl. I argue. I have a mind of my own. I will never take orders from anyone who seeks to have a relationship with me. I am a woman of higher intelligence, which is established as superior to even yours.
This was an old, never posted draft I just found. I no longer feel this way and am in a very happy, very healthy relationship with someone I believe I will spend the rest of my life with. I just wanted to put this on here because I still like the way it sounds and I miss writing from the heart like this.
Now expect a million posts to catch you up on my life as I know it.
Sometimes, I’m a bit insecure. (We all are sometimes.) But lately, it’s unbearable. The only person I trust is myself, the only person I feel like I can talk to is myself, the only person I am confident in is myself. I feel trapped in my own apartment, trapped in my relationship, and trapped in this box of emotion I can’t escape from.
I have no work due tomorrow though I’m feeling in the mood to do something. I can’t concentrate on the things I need to do that are due after tomorrow however. I suppose I just work better as deadlines are fast approaching and the pressure is on.
It’s a funny thing, pressure. It keeps us alive, literally speaking. Air pressure, capillary pressure, blood pressure; they all keep us together. Figuratively speaking it pulls us apart. Nobody ever stops to think of the former when they are having what is essentially a mental breakdown however. Although if they did, I doubt it would make them feel any better.
is to not have to do all the things I know I need to do in order to make it possible to do the things I want to do.
For example, a 40 hour a week job and two summer classes on top of that. The 40 hour a week job grants me my apartment for the next year. Apartment = freedom. The summer classes (which aren’t easy BTW: Chem 2 and dynamics), will help in my endeavor to actually graduate with a degree in 2013 so that I can move on to bigger and better things.
Now, when I consider the fact that I will be spending my next four years studying to get my Bachelor’s and then my masters, I realize I will have to immediately start working to make a living. Or rather, I will continue working for a living, just with higher pay but more bills. It amazes me that before I am 30 years old I will have accomplished more than a lot of people have in their lifetime, yet I don’t feel satisfied with that.
I don’t want to live for success, but rather just live. I want to travel the world; tasting strange food, learning different cultures, and meeting new people. I want to make every day an adventure. I want to climb mountains, zipline through the jungle, swim in tropical waters, skydive, go scuba diving, learn a foreign language, fly a plane, fall in love with a stranger, live with some buddhist monks, camp in the woods and live off the land by myself for a few weeks, see as many wild animals as I can, the list goes on. I don’t want to work my ass off for the next four years just so I can graduate, get a job, and live the monotonous lifestyle of the working world. I talk to people every day who, at 20-25 years old, have already traveled the world. I haven’t even had the opportunity to travel very far outside of Massachusetts, let alone the United States.
There are so many things that I want to see, feel, taste, experience, photograph, and just do. I can’t seem to find the time for any of it when my future plans are laid out. I can either have the adventurous life I want, or the career I think will suit me. I have to figure out a way for the two to become one in the same, or else I know I will be disappointed in my choices no matter what I choose.