Nonsensical

I can't wait until Tuesday

I get to go home, see all my friends I haven’t seen in months, and two days later, its Thanksgiving, which is my favorite holiday. It will be sad because I won’t get two thanksgivings this year since my dad has passed, but he will be in all of our thoughts, as well as my grandmother. I still can’t believe its been a year since she passed away, it seems like she was just here yesterday. And my dad has been gone for six months. That seems even harder to believe. I miss them both a lot. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the feeling that I will never see them again. As long as I have the good memories though, i think that will get me through.

For those of you who believe TWLOHA to be a money-making scam

Before I learned of TWLOHA, I was broken, I still am. I never thought I could get so much hope from the simple story of someone else who was going through what I was going through. Sometimes, all you need is to know you aren’t alone. I for one can’t see this organization as a money machine, these people really want to help. They stumbled upon a movement that they didn’t mean to create, but it happened and has helped thousands of people realize that rescue is possible, that they are not alone and that they can be loved and should be. I sought help because the story behind To Write Love On Her Arms gave me the courage to ask for it. I was no longer silent and I realized that I didn’t have to feel lonely and scared all the time. I learned to love myself, I heard people tell me I was beautiful and even if I couldn’t believe it myself it made me think that someday I could. TWLOHA gave me hope, and I have never once given them money. I don’t own a T-shirt, I don’t have a bracelet, and I’ve never volunteered. I feel like I owe them something but I’d rather just pass on the story to someone else who might be lost in the darkness. So I wrote love on both my wrists today, and when people ask me what it’s for, I tell them. I may even tear up but that gets the message accross so much more. I don’t believe TWLOHA is in it for the money, I think they really want to raise awareness more than anything else. That’s why they sell t-shirts, thats why they have an awareness day; so people will ask questions. You don’t have to be alone in this, there are people that want to help and are willing to listen.

The Vision (TWLOHA)

The vision is that we actually believe these things…

You were created to love and be loved.  You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you’re part of a bigger story.  You need to know that your life matters.

We live in a difficult world, a broken world.  My friend Byron is very smart - he says that life is hard for most people most of the time.  We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments.  You need to know that you’re not alone in the places you feel stuck.

We all wake to the human condition.  We wake to mystery and beauty but also to tragedy and loss.  Millions of people live with problems of pain.  Millions of homes are filled with questions – moments and seasons and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay.  We know that pain is very real.  It is our privilege to suggest that hope is real, and that help is real.

You need to know that rescue is possible, that freedom is possible, that God is still in the business of redemption.  We’re seeing it happen.  We’re seeing lives change as people get the help they need.  People sitting across from a counselor for the first time.  People stepping into treatment.  In desperate moments, people calling a suicide hotline.  We know that the first step to recovery is the hardest to take.  We want to say here that it’s worth it, that your life is worth fighting for, that it’s possible to change.

Beyond treatment, we believe that community is essential, that people need other people, that we were never meant to do life alone.

The vision is that community and hope and help would replace secrets and silence.

The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles.

The vision is that we can reduce the suicide rate in America and around the world.

The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends, and that we would love ourselves enough to get the help we need.

The vision is better endings.  The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships.  The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love.  The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise.  The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change.

The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead.

The vision is the possibility that we’re more loved than we’ll ever know.

The vision is hope, and hope is real.

You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story.

(www.twloha.com)

It's "To Write Love On Her Arms" Day Today

<3 I’m participating.

A long way to normal

If you looked at my life a year and three months ago you would see a completely different person. I was an addict, a slave to the same medications that recently assisted the suicide of my best friend. I was indifferent, cold, and overall just tired. I was tired of who I was and scared of what I was becoming. It was a turning point and I never really looked back. Now that I look at the date of my friends last day, September 8, 2009, I realize I live my life by the dates. I dwell on them, celebrating anniversaries of the worst times over and over and over again. While I am not the same person I was back then, I still look back to that person and sometimes even revel in how easy it would be to just stop trying to hard. But I won’t do it. I’m happy now. I’ve found someone to love who may even love me back. I have friends who have no idea about my past and don’t even seem to care. It’s truly a new chapter in my life and I embrace it. My boyfriend knows some of my past. He knows I was an addict and that I am still struggling with it. He knows a smidgen of how my family has ruined and saved me. He doesn’t care, it makes him care about me that much more. I feel safe and happy when I’m in his arms, a feeling greater than any I could get from drugs. If you looked at me today, you wouldn’t believe that this me and the old me were even the same person. I’ve come a long way but I still have a long way to go. 1 year, 2 months, 10 days sober, still struggling but still going.

So Blink-182 last night...

Words cannot describe how awesome it was. I got one of those exclusive shirts. waited in line for two hours and then sprinted to the front of the pit. Was second row for Chester French who was actually alright. Front row for Panic! cuz I switched with some hater as long as I promised to switch back for Blink, which was fine with me because I wanted to mosh and crowd surf and you can’t really do that while plastered against the barrier. Panic was awesome despite being broken up. Ian, the ex guitarist for The Cab played guitar. They didn’t talk to the crowd much and most of the crowd was Blink fans so they weren’t really into it. On the last song (I Write Sins Not Tragedies) people started pushing to the front, which they weren’t through the whole two sets. So we stood like sardines for the entire intermission which was the worst. Plus, there was no water at all. The girl next to me pretended to be coughing because of the fog machines so that we could get water. Fall Out boy was good. They only played about 10 songs but Brendon from Panic! came out and sung journey with them which was so awesome. The entire crowd was in the arena by then and knew every word and sung along. It was so loud that you could barely hear the band. They played Saturday and I moshed and crowd surfed and got dropped right near where I was originally standing. The girl who had given me her spot went back to the front and i tried to find my friend. We got back to each other and were like sardines again as everyone waited for Blink. They were taking so long so we did a Blink chant abou 6 different times. They had a curtain up and we could see movement but they were still taking forver. We waited for a half hour before they came on but it was so worth it. They played some old school songs which made the night for me. I moshed and fell on my ass, got elbowed and have a bruise near my eye and sliced my knuckle open on the cement floor. It was awesome. I danced and crowd surfed and had a fantastic time. Hoppus said that the show was sold out. 20,000 people; second biggest show they have ever played. After “All the Small Things” Mark said they would come back if we cheered loud enough. That was the loudest crowd ever (or so his twitter says). It was certainly the loudest crowd I have ever been in. Constant screaming that never died down, all the people in seats were drumming on them. People were clapping and chanting and whistling. The volume never died for the 10 minutes it took to hook up the flying drum set. Then Travis did his drum solo on the flying set and it was the coolest thing I have ever seen. He is the drum god. They played Dammit last, as we all knew they would and I moshed and crowd surfed twice. I got a Famous sticker and got a drum stick but I gave it to the dude who was waiting in line with us for two hours because he talked about how the last Blink show he went to he was 16 and some huge dude stole his drum stick. He gave me the bracelet he had bought, not an even trade but I will take it. Its not even like Travis threw it out or even used it cuz it was after they left the stage and the drum tech threw it out from his own pocket. Pretty much that was the best concert I have ever been to and I can die happy now. =D