Tumblr, I missed you. Hiatus over.

Now expect a million posts to catch you up on my life as I know it.

Hi

Sometimes, I’m a bit insecure. (We all are sometimes.) But lately, it’s unbearable. The only person I trust is myself, the only person I feel like I can talk to is myself, the only person I am confident in is myself. I feel trapped in my own apartment, trapped in my relationship, and trapped in this box of emotion I can’t escape from.

Pressure

I have no work due tomorrow though I’m feeling in the mood to do something. I can’t concentrate on the things I need to do that are due after tomorrow however. I suppose I just work better as deadlines are fast approaching and the pressure is on.

It’s a funny thing, pressure. It keeps us alive, literally speaking. Air pressure, capillary pressure, blood pressure; they all keep us together. Figuratively speaking it pulls us apart. Nobody ever stops to think of the former when they are having what is essentially a mental breakdown however. Although if they did, I doubt it would make them feel any better.

All I really want…

is to not have to do all the things I know I need to do in order to make it possible to do the things I want to do.

For example, a 40 hour a week job and two summer classes on top of that. The 40 hour a week job grants me my apartment for the next year. Apartment = freedom. The summer classes (which aren’t easy BTW: Chem 2 and dynamics), will help in my endeavor to actually graduate with a degree in 2013 so that I can move on to bigger and better things.

Now, when I consider the fact that I will be spending my next four years studying to get my Bachelor’s and then my masters, I realize I will have to immediately start working to make a living. Or rather, I will continue working for a living, just with higher pay but more bills. It amazes me that before I am 30 years old I will have accomplished more than a lot of people have in their lifetime, yet I don’t feel satisfied with that.

I don’t want to live for success, but rather just live. I want to travel the world; tasting strange food, learning different cultures, and meeting new people. I want to make every day an adventure. I want to climb mountains, zipline through the jungle, swim in tropical waters, skydive, go scuba diving, learn a foreign language, fly a plane, fall in love with a stranger, live with some buddhist monks, camp in the woods and live off the land by myself for a few weeks, see as many wild animals as I can, the list goes on. I don’t want to work my ass off for the next four years just so I can graduate, get a job, and live the monotonous lifestyle of the working world. I talk to people every day who, at 20-25 years old, have already traveled the world. I haven’t even had the opportunity to travel very far outside of Massachusetts, let alone the United States.

There are so many things that I want to see, feel, taste, experience, photograph, and just do. I can’t seem to find the time for any of it when my future plans are laid out. I can either have the adventurous life I want, or the career I think will suit me. I have to figure out a way for the two to become one in the same, or else I know I will be disappointed in my choices no matter what I choose.

Justified.

We loved each other.

Sometimes it was messy, sometimes it made no sense, and sometimes it got in the way.

But it was always beautiful.

It always felt right in that little place in my lower belly where the butterflies lived.

I don’t care that it ended.

I don’t care that I have regrets.

I don’t care that I figured out we are not right for each other at all.

I don’t care that now your flaws stick out like a crying baby at a five star restaraunt.

What we had used to be magic, and that’s how I’m gong to think of it.

You are so transparent.