Oh hey there Tumblr, long time no see…

I’m gonna spare the crazy amount of updating I need to supply because none of you care or probably even remember who I am and I’m just showing up on your dashboard with SO MUCH TEXT and you’re all going to look away. Maybe I’ll upload a photo with this so you may spend more than three seconds looking at this post.

Anyways, I came on here to vent. I’m probably back for good. I’ve realized that I can’t open up to anyone but my boyfriend and hes getting sick of it. I’m just too much crazy anxiety depression for him and I understand that. I thought he could help me, thought he could make me happy again and I could go back to normal but thats not gonna happen. I thought he would be that knight in shining armor who was going to sweep me off my feet and make everything better, that kinda shit only happens in sappy lifetime movies which I have been watching far too much. 

Lets face it, I don’t have the worst life in the world by any means. But it sometimes feels that way, more often than not I feel like a failure, like I’m not good enough for anyone, not even myself. I feel like nothing ever goes right for me, because it never does. I regret almost every decision I make because it blows up in my face. I regret most of the things I’ve done because I’ve made too many mistakes to count. I used to live life with as little regrets as possible, live life in the moment, everything happens for a reason. Yeah the reason is that I have the worst luck ever. I’ve gotten to a point emotionally where I am single handedly ruining my relationship with the one person I’ve ever truly loved and who has ever loved me. I ask for too much from him, I found the right person for me but I’m still looking for Mr. Perfect. I trust him but at the same time everyone in my life has let me down at some point, whether they leave, stab me in the back, drastically change into someone I can’t tolerate, give up on me, or just forget my existence, I have experienced some of the worst heartaches in the world, people I ove, not necessarily boyfriends, but best friends, family members, anyone who I let in has let me down. I dislike most people because of this. I don’t trust people until they give me a reason to.

I have completely changed my worldview in the past two years. I just want to go back to where I was two years ago when I had no cares in the world, a bunch of good friends by my side, and was just young and free. Now I’m so depressed and lonely all the time that the only person I’ve opened up to is my boyfriend and I’m ruining it by suffocating him. I’m this clingy bitch of a girlfriend and I hate girls like me. I’m so dependent on him because he cares on a level that nobody else does and understands me on a level nobody else does. I cling to that like a leech. I just want him around all the time or I want to talk to him all the time because he makes me feel better just by looking at me or me hearing his voice. Now he’s far away cuz I dropped out of school like the idiot I am and I’m even more lonely in this shithole town where I have no real friends, just acquaintances. You know, those people who you think you are friends with until you see that 300 picture album of a party you weren’t invited to even though you tried to see what half the people at said party were up to that night but they were too rich and busy to answer you so you just sat at home in your PJs watching southpark reruns eating ice cream from the carton.

I mean, I’m going back to school. I switched my major and none of the classes I was taking counted for anything so I was wasting my time and decided to drop out. I lost motivation, and everyone who knows depression knows that once motivation is gone, its difficult to get back, plus I was ill for about three weeks which further unmotivated me. I’m taking summer classes to catch up in my new major, mechanical engineering. I’m ignoring all letters from the school that ask me to start paying student loans or whatnot, though I should probably just call financial aid and explain.

For right now, I’m back living at home and hating life because I’m lonely and there is nothing to do and nobody around. The people that are around are boys, who i cut off ties with once I got a boyfriend because all of my guy friends flirt with me like crazy and I didn’t want to make my bf jealous. But come to think of it, screw it. I shouldn’t have to sit around and do nothing just so he doesn’t have a hissy fit. I mean, maybe if he took a walk in my shoes and felt the paranoia I feel every time he tells me he’s going out drinking at a frat party than he would understand a bit better. I’ve been trying to hang out with this one girl all week who is supposedly my best friend, only to find out she’s been lying to me about her plans for the night and then proceeding to hang out with her ‘better friends’ who are here on spring break and talk shit about me. I can’t really refuse friends though so you know, I’ll just keep her at a distance. If she wants to be a two faced bitch I can use her to get out of the house every once in a while and get some fresh air and social interaction. I’d say its a pretty fair trade.

Now, writing all of this, it seems so trivial. I really shouldn’t get this upset about things but every little thing that goes wrong seems like the end of the world to me. I feel like crying all of the time and I am so sick of it, I just want to feel normal again. I don’t want to go on antidepressants because they don’t work and I don’t want to be a walking zombie only capable of one emotion. Placebo effect is the reason they work for most people, sorry to tell you. All I know is venting like this helps, and I am going to start doing it a lot more often again. I think that’s my problem. When I tell my boyfriend my problems its on such an emotional level cuz we’re so close so I always end up crying, he feels bad, and nothing ever gets accomplished and we have the same conversation about how I’m broken and he can’t fix me over and over again. He’s sick of my emotions and so am I. I just need help, help he can’t give me but tumblr can.