Why?

My friend Jeff, the nicest person I have ever met, a kid who once told me I was one of his best friends, committed suicide.

I still don’t believe it. What is probably the saddest part about it is he was lying alone for two days before anyone found him. Not that they weren’t looking, but its still incredibly tragic to think about.

I went to the wake. It was incredibly sad but there were so many people there, though I feel that made it even more heartbreaking. He obviously thought nobody cared for him and to have that many people show up just makes you think about how much you should tell the people you love that you love them. My friends and I tried to get through the waiting by telling nice memories of him but in the silence there were tears and sniffling. We were following a line from room to room looking at pictures and signing memory books, but when we turned the last corner, none of us expected the open casket. I lost it at that point. My boyfriend even cried, and I’ve never seen him cry. I couldn’t even speak to Jeff’s family, not that I knew what to say.

I wanted to go to the funeral, but I couldn’t. I regret not going. I would have lost it, I don’t do well at funerals, even of people I barely knew.

It still hasn’t fully hit me yet. I know as soon as I go back to school it will be like something is missing all the time.

RIP Jeff, I’ll miss you. I love you.